That was a helluva thing. Today was my bone marrow biopsy. It really sounds much worse than it is, or maybe not. My appointment was at 11:00, so I got there at 11:00. Ask my wife, I am very punctual. The first thing was a simple blood test, but it was about a 25 minute wait. So, at about 11:30 I am ushered back into the bone marrow biopsy rooms. I am not giving a detailed explanation of what they will do. I will spare my Apostle’s (my 12 readers) details. (Note: Yes, it is pretty detailed.) No drilling was involved, but there was a lot of twisting and pushing.
The docs in Houston wanted a bilateral biopsy. That means one from each side. It is another one for two sale. It all starts being put face down on the operating bed. The litocaine was by far the worst pure pain I had. It really burns as it goes in, before numbing everything. Most dentists use about 1cc when working on the mouth. She used 20, in about six different shots. The funnest ones were when she bounced the needle off my bone trying to deaden the bone as best as she could. It is odd to feel tapping inside of you. After completely numbing your buttocks she takes a large bore needle and pierces the ‘skin’ of the bone. The she removes the inside of the needle, aspirates 2cc of marrow out, twice. Then she digs deeper into the bone to get actual bone fragments for the pathologists to play with. Are we having fun yet?
The entire procedure takes about 5 minutes. It is really pretty quick. Unless you are me. I have not broken a bone yet. I know know why. I have strong bones. I have really strong bones. Did I mention I have strong bones? She probably spent about three of the five minutes numbing me up. She then spent the next 20 just trying to pierce the ‘skin’ of the bone. I could not see, but she was really pressing hard, like standing on top of the needle. I was afraid it would pierce the ‘skin’ and then go all the way to the other side. The screaming you would have heard would have been me. You can’t deaden the inside of a bone.
After commenting on, “how much milk did you drink as a kid?” and “damn, I may have to go get some help!” she successfully pierces the bone skin. Yeah. The aspirations were quick, just two quick inhales and two quick sharp pains and it was done. The bone fragments portion did not hurt at all. She applies direct pressure to the wound, as all good Scouts know, bandages me up, and I am good to go. Except I still have the other side to do.
Her tech has to do some work on the first samples before side two. That takes about 25 minutes. Hind sight says that they needed another tech for side two. So, 45 minutes into this 5 minute procedure, we start side two. Again, the litocaine was by far the worst pure pain. The 35 minutes of trying to pierce the bone skin was getting old really quick. By now I am drenched in sweat. Laura is too. Get your minds out of the gutter guys! She worked hard getting through the bone. She arrived only to find a dry spot. So she moves the needle and tries again. She finally arrives. “You have arrived.”, the Garmin says. I did not feel the aspirations this time. The bone sample was some more serious pushing, but she got it. Again, direct pressure, bandage, and I done and can get up. Or can I.
I have been lying face down for over an hour and a half. I slowly got up, blood sort of rushed down, blood pressure dropped (I think) and I went into shock. I needed help getting to a chair, sat down and went into uncontrollable shaking. It was bad, and a little scary. My gum graft in August was a lot more pain, bruising, cutting, stitching, etc. and I drove home from that just fine. They brought in some juice for me to have. I have not had lunch because I figured I would be done by 12:30 or so at the latest. It is now 2:00. They even bring in the doctor to check on me. I spend the next hour or so in ‘recovery’ before I am able to walk, balance, and DRIVE A CAR home. I did think it was odd to ride a wheelchair out to the valet parking. I can hear the guy behind me, “I’ll let him get really far ahead of me before I drive off.”
I hit Sonic on the way home and grabbed a South Beach approved cherry limeade and a SuperSonic bacon double cheeseburger. Also South Beach approved. By now my blood sugar, sodium, and potassium levels are reaching normal. I proceed to take the hour drive home just fine. The only glitch is that I am sitting my butt and the litocaine is now wearing off. Ouch.
Yes, I got home and was in some discomfort. I took some Advil to help with pain and swelling and went straight to bed. I listend to my phone for a while and drifted in and out of sleep. I hope I never have another one of these. My body tolerates a lot of things, but not people digging in its’ bones.
I feel stupid…or at least more stupid than usual. I thought I subscribed to your blog a long time ago and just discovered today that I wasn’t. I wondered why you hadn’t been writing. Now, I know. It was me being stupid.